I want to thank both Bodhi and Simone for the kind comments in the messages they sent me re my post on Saturday. I was able to email Simone back but not Bodhi so thought I write this.
I wasn't in a good place on Saturday, I spent most of it crying and rolled up in ball. When I wrote the post 'I'm Hurting' like most of my posts I was writing as I was thinking and the words came out raw on the paper. When I got up on Sunday and looked again at what I had written I thought I came across as self pitying which I think I was at the time and I didn't want to come across as that. I know so many other people have problems that make mine insignificant, so I deleted the post.
My thoughts were, I'm glad nobody seen that. Obviously I now know some people had seen it before I deleted it. You know even with all the lovely followers listed on my side bar I'm still always surprised that anyone visits my blog to listen to my ramblings never mind leave me kind comments, especially given the amount of times I've changed my blogs around.
I have Aspergers, it's not something I think about very often. I was diagnosed rather late in life, many women in my age bracket are. It was for a long time thought mainly as something that was prevalent in males, plus women portray different signs of the syndrome. Finding out I had Aspergers offered me a lot of explanations for difficulties and incidents in my life but I can't honestly say it's changed anything. I'm me and though I tried so hard to be someone else when I was younger in order to fit in, even do try now sometimes, it never works, I still revert back to being me. The older I get the more I can't be bothered in trying. The effort of continually trying to wear a mask to get people to like you in real life gets very tiring.
That's why I like blogging. I feel like I can be me on here and people seem to accept me as me. It's almost like a community and friends even if it isn't real. I can say things and people sometimes agree with what I say, even when they don't they read and it can open debates which I enjoy. It feels like what I say and think does matter in some little way that it never does in real life. I don't come across the same in real life. I come across as stupid and arrogant and aloof and I don't mean to be any of those things but I can't seem to get the rules of life right. If you don't look at people when your talking your being rude, if you look too much your staring and all sorts of other little rules you need to know.
Last week one of the blogs I followed had one of those silly little competitions we bloggers like to do, you had to get a friend to be a follower of their blog. I clicked comments then realised I didn't have any real life friends I could ask, none of the people I know had a blog or would be interested in the blog's topic. When I was little I use to hang around with the lads riding bikes, climbing trees, but that was ok, little girls are allowed to be Tom boys, everyone just smiles indulgently. As I got older it got harder. Women really are the more deadly of the species if you don't fit into the sisterhood, if your someone who doesn't get fashion or latest trends in music and all the girly gossip goes flying over your head you're just never allowed in. I have developed over the years this facade of being a strong independent minded if eccentric
women and it works to hide behind most of the time but then little
things like that can hit you and make you feel lonely and it hit me that
all the people who share my interests are online.So I had a few sniffles over a silly little bit of fun on a blog and then pulled myself together. That's why the people I know through blogs mean so much and never more so in matters of my pagan faith.
The above wasn't what upset me on Saturday, it was a family member. Now I don't hide my beliefs, never seen a need to and the person I was talking to on Friday was one person who I thought understood me more than most and I admit I'm not an easy person to understand. I was talking about stuff in general and the blue moon and I was told that "at least me having aspergers explained why I like all that witchy stuff". Now that really hurt. I consider myself pagan long before I got diagnosed with aspergers and I've never linked it to my faith. What I believe is at the core of me and my life and to think that my family are just humoring me over something that is so important to me hurts, hurts alot.
I never meant to write all this, but words kept coming out, but I won't delete it this time. If anyone reads it to the end, thanks for taking the time. I just wanted to explain and thank people who take the time to visit and thanks for letting me be me, online seems to be the only place that's allowed and I'm not thought of as strange or bad and that means a lot. I'm not a little kid anymore, I've out grown being smile at indulgently. The spiritual path I follow doesn't have a book giving answers or someone pointing the way, it's full of questions but it's the one that feels correct to me and I follow it because I choose too.